Eternal Penance
by Wordgawk
Summary: Buffy gets major stress when Angel returns from hell. Angel deals with the consequences of when he was evil and receives an enticing offer in the meantime. Story starts right after the events of season 2.
1. Tough Times

Eternal Penance - Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters belong to Joss Whedon. Lucky guy. Oh wait, Celeste is my creation. That's all I own._

_Notes: Yowza. This is an old story I wrote when (I think) Season 3 was starting. Story takes place right after the end of Season 2, so a few spoilers from then are mentioned. Review please!_

**Chapter 1**

"Buffy.yoo hoo" 

Buffy Summers started with a jump as a hand waved in front of her face. For a brief moment, she was so immersed in her thoughts she had almost forgotten where she was. Old books accumulating dustballs, wooden shelves and an aging linoleum floor abruptly gave away to that of one vacant Sunnydale high school library. Within it, a small group of friends and one somewhat stuffy librarian gathered at a large wooden table, chattering amongst themselves. The table was mainly used as a research centre, but Buffy found that with its length, it was a great place to stretch out her legs. It was much like a lawn chair, the only drawback being no padding or snacks. 

Buffy wasn't quite sure who was talking, but as a pair of curious eyes from Willow Rosenberg gazed at her from across the table, she smiled sheepishly, her momentary feeling of repentance dissipating like a cloud of smoke. "Sorry bout that. My mind wandered off. What were you saying?" 

"I was just wondering how your rounds went last night. The usual fun, huh?" Willow lamely pumped a fist in the air, intending to spur Buffy's enthusiasm of being the Slayer. Only one girl was specially chosen to fight the evil in Sunnydale. Destiny was the chooser. 

Buffy could only muster a weak smile despite her friend's attempt at cheering her up. "Ohthe um, slaying went fine." She nervously pushed some stray hair out of her face. "It was indeed fun. The demons and thedusting."

Rupert Giles, the librarian and Buffy's Watcher -the one chosen to guard and guide over the Slayer- looked down at her earnestly. "Are you feeling all right? You seema bit jittery."

Taking a sudden avid interest in examining her nails, Buffy said, "Yes, I'm fine. Ready as ever.just like a spring."

"You sure don't look so happy. You sure about that?" Xander Harris noted slyly as he munched on a carrot stick. 

Buffy glared at him and snapped, "I don't always have to be happy, do I? There's no rule in a book saying I have to."

"Whoa, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Xander whistled low. "Actually, in this case," he waved his carrot stick at the bookshelves around him, "You may be wrong." 

"Come on, Buff, what's wrong?" Oz prodded gently. "You're not your usual perky self. You usually have more pep."

"I know I have a ton of pep, but not today. I'm just.kind of pepless. This whole thing with-" Buffy was about to reveal about the restoration of Angel's soul, but she decided against it for her sake; she didn't want to take any emotional blows that were intended for him. He could deal with it himself when the time came. Buffy hastily amended, "School and this whole slaying business. I mean really, can anyone _not_ get sick of seeing demon after demon?" She forced out a laugh.

An awkward silence passed. 

"I guess that's true." Willow finally spoke, filling it. "I mean, school's a real big thing, and the slayingwell, that's something I'm not totally sure about yet since I myself am not a Slayer. And well.I don't have as much experience with the stabbing and everything that goes along with being the Slayer." 

"Good point." Buffy raised amused eyebrows. Fiddling with the pendant on her necklace, nobody said anything, making Buffy feel even more jittery. She felt like a spring, coiled and ready to let go. She had to get out. Dropping her hands, she pushed herself off the chair she was sitting in and abruptly stood. "Well, I've got a ton of homework to do. So much to finish, so little time." 

"Did I hear you correctly?" Xander had on a look of mock disbelief. "You _want_ to do homework? Without Giles here having to nag you?" He gave a small indicating jerk of his head toward the librarian.

"Buffy, we're not finished here." Giles reminded, not even bothering with Xander's comment.

Buffy sighed. "Giles, I already know your lecture. Kill the demons, no matter how many extra body parts they may have; don't get stabbed with my own stake; if I need help, scream and I may get it." Buffy ticked off each reason with her hand. Snapping her fingers, she deliberately feigned a look of remembrance as she added with a nod, "Oh yeah, returning my library books on time. That's the most important one."

"Buffy" Giles warned.

"Isn't it true? Isn't that what you'd say?" Buffy asked innocently, knowing it was a true fact.

Giles let out a slow, tired breath as he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. As Buffy triumphantly awaited her answer, Giles humored her, a suppressed smile crossing his face, "Yes, that's exactly what I'd say."

"Yes!" Buffy pumped a small fist into the air as Giles proved her point. As she put it down, she chirped with a phony smile, "So that means I can go?"

Giles laughed, slipping his glasses back on. "All right, just this one time." 

Buffy beamed a smile at him and said her farewells to her friends. As she was about to push open the library doors, Giles' voice stopped her. Turning around, she said half-impatiently, but curious, "Yes?"

Giles smiled warmly. "Take care." 

Buffy's eyes softened. "Thanks." 

"Stay happy, Buffy!" Xander put in with a silly grin and a thumbs-up.

The smile was still on her face as she left. Shaking her head, she greeted Cordelia Chase as they passed by each other. Buffy had constantly asked herself time and time again how she had made friends with a rich, pompous girl like Cordelia. Especially those times when Cordelia got so self-absorbed, Buffy really had to wonder. 

Her mood slipped into a sullen state as she wondered how fate had befallen her so. Being the Slayer changed the entire course of her life. No more petty missed late night phone calls to bawl over or dates to go on. Nobody at school had held her interest. Nobody else sparked her appeal but Angel. 

Thinking about him sent a sudden wave of feelings through her as she walked outside, the sky overcast and darkening. Angel was her first real love. Ironically, she had fallen in love with a vampire, one of the unspoken true enemies of a Slayer. But Angel was different. Being hexed with a gypsy curse that created a soul inside him, he had to live his life with tortured memories of all the people he had killed as his evil self, Angelus. The feelings and emotions of a person with a human heart took some adjusting to, Buffy recalled him telling her in one of their talks, but with her around, it made handling it a little easier. 

Buffy wasn't sure. The revulsion of his troubled past was something that would remain inside him forever, and she doubted anything would help him fully heal. 

Nothing Buffy had even experienced with the opposite sex made her feel more alive, more satisfying as being with Angel. At first, their relationship had its rocky points, but after the bonds of trust were set, they were inseparable. During a high point in their relationship, both of them gave in to their desires and made love for the first time. Angel's soul was ripped from him as a terrifying result. He reverted back as Angelus, turned violent and relentless, letting nothing get in his way until he had Buffy in his grasp. Buffy soon realized that there was no speck of her true love left in the vampire. Upon that recognition, she knew she had to kill him. After a hard and arduous fight, Buffy was forced to kill Angel, moments the portal from Hell had opened and his soul suddenly restored. He had unexpectedly returned, well and alive. He could live a human life again, just like how it had been before he had turned evil. 

But not exactly. Buffy silently reminded herself, the bright smile on her face from moments before dissolving into reminiscence, part of it sadness, part of it haunted memories. It would never be like old times. 

She opened the door to her home, expecting to be greeted by her mother. Joyce Summers did not appear right away, but when she eventually did, with her own motherly way, inquired how her daughter's day had went, to which Buffy answered the same way she did each day. 

"It was fine." Dropping her backpack slowly on a chair to stall some time, Buffy felt the need to add something else to her mundane response. "I umactually didn't get too much homework today. Isn't that amazing?" Buffy's impromptu comment sounded lame to her own ears. 

Joyce smiled knowingly. "It's okay, Buffy. You don't need to feel bad. I know your life is full of excitement and secrets you don't want to share it with me. We've been through this before, remember?" She wagged her finger jokingly. "Remember, no gross details about your slaying, okay?"

Joyce had discovered Buffy was a Slayer when she was forced to stake a vampire in front of her. Her head was filled with a million questions, some of which Buffy could answer. The first and utmost obvious, "Why her?" was asked, and Buffy had only sadly shook her head and replied, "That's destiny." 

Buffy tried to provoke a laugh as she weakly returned her mother's smile. "Yeah. Tons of times. I justkeep forgetting, that's all. Being the busy normal teenager I am." She added with innuendo, her voice turning crisp.

Joyce patted her shoulder in an attempt to console her. "I know this is tough for you, Buffy." 

You'd never know. Buffy knew her mother was only trying to make her feel better. She would never go into details about her slaying experiences. It was mind-boggling enough for Buffy, let alone her mother. Buffy pasted a pleasant look on her face and said cheerfully, "Well, I'm gonna head out, Mom. Gotta do something else other than schoolwork and slaying day and night. Maybe go to Willow's for a bit." Buffy added, knowing her mother's spasms of protectiveness. 

Confusion spread on Joyce's face at her daughter's sudden buoyant mood. "Well, you'll probably want to eat first. There's enough to feed you for now." After a quick afterthought, she added, "Now that you mention it, I'm going to enjoy the outdoors myself. I'll be out front torturing myself as I try to fix the gutter out front." 

Torture. The word resonated in Buffy's head. Her mother would never know how it was like to be truly tortured. "See ya." Buffy pushed aside her morbid thoughts as she rummaged inside the fridge, hearing her mother leave. As she ate an apple, she glanced out the kitchen window and saw that daylight was nearly gone. 

She decided to go to Angel's mansion. A small part inside her felt almost afraid to see him. She couldn't sort out how she felt, how she should. Minutes later, she was in the atrium, standing in front of the black curtain which she always came through, anxiously fighting an internal struggle. She wondered if it really was a wise decision to visit. It had been a week since the last time she had dropped by. She wasn't sure guilt was the right way to feel. She tried to reassure herself; she had a busy schedule and there wasn't always time to visit. The excuse didn't sink in as hoped and Buffy sighed. She took in a deep breath before pushing herself inside. 

Angel was settled on one of the numerous pillows that were scattered on the floor in front of the lit fireplace, a pensive expression across his broad face as his gaze was focused on the flames. The warm fire was the only source of light in the room, creating an enigmatic, almost eerie atmosphere Buffy found extremely unnerving this particular day. Perhaps if the main hall was smaller, she wouldn't of felt so freaked out. 

Angel looked up at her as she entered, a small smile of surprise passing his lips. "Hi. Haven't seen you for awhile." 

Buffy tentatively sat on one of the pillows, ignoring his subtle -if intentional- guilt trip. "Hi yourself. How are you?" 

"Fine. How about you?" 

"All right, I guess. Been busy. Schoolwork, slaying, the usual." 

Angel nodded, his attention drawn back to fire crackling in the hearth.

When he didn't answer, Buffy took his laconic mood as a sign of little interest in conversation. Taking another pillow, she placed it on top of the one she scooted off from, making herself more comfortable as she lay on her front, her head resting on top of the two pillows. 

As she stared into the fire, she felt a kinship with Angel. She felt his type of pain and loneliness. None of her friends could truly experience how it was like to be different from everyone. Sure there were the social outcasts like Xander and Willow, who didn't really fit in with the cliques at school, but her isolation was far unlike that. She was not a normal person and never would be, and it was a fact that she had to accept, whether she liked it or not. The status of being a Slayer was, without a single doubt, always at the back of her mind whenever she had to come to a decision about anything, whether it was spending time out with Willow or even talking with somebody new. Being a Slayer was like have a dead weight hanging over her head, and whichever way she would turn and run, she would never escape her fate. It was destiny. And destiny didn't care who it hurt or what new consequences it lay ahead for a Slayer.

Angel glanced briefly at her movement, but kept quiet. Buffy was about to let out a stream of pouty childish complaints, demanding why he was being such a poop-head, not conversing when she made such an effort to drop by. But obviously not in those exact words.

"Are you avoiding me?" Angel's question was blunt and unexpected. 

Buffy had to swallow the enlarging lump that was lodging itself in her throat, not quite meeting his eyes. "No."

Angel's gaze penetrated into her own. "Really?"

Feeling squirmish, Buffy hesitantly replied, "I told you, I've been busy with the gang and the slaying and my schoolwork. Haven't had much free time." She averted her eyes back to the fire, glad to have something else to look at.

Again, Angel didn't respond, and Buffy didn't volunteer anything. She was forced to shut her eyes tightly after a few long minutes, as the fire was starting to prick at them like hot needles. She let out a small, deliberate sigh, hoping to attract Angel's attention, believing he'd say something. No answer. 

That did it. Buffy started to rise. She was regularly able to handle the brunt of his non-verbal times, but today she felt like babbling about her troubles with school, how her friends were doing, anything else other than her other life; the forced one. Evidently, she had chosen the wrong person. "Maybe I should go. Y-you're not in the mood for visitors. I'll come back another time." 

Her unexpected announcement snapped Angel out of his trance-like state. "I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind. I don't mean to ignore you. Please stay. Ilike it when you're here with me." 

Buffy felt some of her annoyance wind down, and relaxed as she settled back to her previous position. So maybe she could last a little bit longer. Leaving so quickly wasn't what she was intending on, but if she really had to, she'd go. She started fiddling with the edge of a fraying pillow. "Me too. I-I mean, I like it when you're with me. Sowhat are you thinking of?" 

Angel didn't answer, just gave one of his unreadable glances. A look that could reveal so many problems, so many hidden depths of emotion, but for the current situation, Buffy was _not_ under a rock. But now she did feel like crawling under one, to sleep the days away, forgetting about everything. She sighed inwardly, knowing Angel was thinking on the same wavelength. The inevitable about their relationship flaring up during her visit was simply unavoidable. And it always seemed to creep back and slap her across the face when she least expected (or wanted) it. Didn't she just try to evade from the touchy subject just moments ago?

"What about us?" she murmured, acting oblivious as she turned her attention back to the fire.

"You know exactly what I mean." 

"No I don't. Really."

"What do I have to do to make you love me again?" Angel's voice unveiled anguish, a tone Buffy couldn't stand coming from him even though she had heard him use it a hundred times. It hurt just as much as the first time she had ever heard him talk that way. 

"Don't you do that. II do love you." Her voice faltered unexpectedly. She shut her eyes, desperately wanting to flee, feeling completely at loose ends. Maybe she still loved him. Maybe she had moved on. But she felt held back, hovering at a worn out spot when she desired to move forward to something new; at the same time, she didn't feel like jumping ahead. 

"Please." Angel placed a hand on top of hers. "Look at me."

The biting chill of his touch seared guilt into Buffy as she numbly obliged, languidly sitting up from her position, eyes shut, feeling the urge to run away so she couldn't feel the pain that she knew would come. _Run away Buffy, run while you can! _Buffy's heart knew her mind's command was pointless. Her body wouldn't respond to her plea. And Angel's lightening-quick agility and strength could pose problems more dire than she needed. 

She slowly opened her eyes. They instantly locked with his, a sudden remorse rushing up inside her as times in the past reeled in her mind like a slideshow. Happy times, fearful moments, tortured nights and days when nothing else was on her mind but being near him and knowing he was all right. She succumbed into the pure darkness of Angel's mysterious eyes which bore intensely into her, almost as though he were looking deep down into the darkest parts of her soul. Uncontrollable tears instantly welled in her eyes, but she didn't bother wiping them away. 

"I-I don't know why-" Buffy tried to elucidate, her mind reeling from her sudden change of moods from normalcy to muddled confusion. The tears streamed down her face as she spoke, but the words died on her lips as Angel's fingertips silenced her. She hung her head, silently seething to herself. How she could possibly reach so low in front of him when she simply couldn't afford to? She was the Slayer. She had to stay strong and keep fighting, crying later on when nobody was around to witness it. And now she felt like a balloon that suddenly popped. Only what came out of her wasn't air, but bottled up emotions and pushed fears, all in the form of hot tears.

She didn't realize she was trembling until Angel's strong arms had wrapped tightly around her. Involuntarily, she tried to push him away, not wanting his pity, wanting to keep it all inside, but his embrace gave her a sense of comfort and she could do nothing else but let herself sink into him. She needed his thoughtful gesture, but didn't know if she desired it coming from him. Her thought and his action only made her tense up and Angel tightened his already death-like grip, which was starting to hurt. 

"Angel, I'm going to stop breathing if you hold me any tighter." Buffy managed to blurt before her oxygen level was completely deprived.

"Sorry." Angel automatically loosened his hold. He looked down. "I've been apologizing too much, haven't I? These past few visits."

"No, it's okay. I understand. The things you did as Angelus-" Buffy eased away from him, feeling absolutely bewildered as her emotions tumbled in turmoil. She wasn't watching him, but sensed his wounded look before it even crossed his face, and she couldn't bear to confirm it with her eyes. She could only guess at what other emotions he was showing, but she couldn't bring herself to look. She swiped at her tear-streaked face with the back of her shaking hand. Sniffling, she quietly said, "Sorry I lost it like that."

"Feel better?"

Buffy's head was in a fog and she found it hard to think clearly after letting out her ragged heart. "Not really." Closing her eyes, she calmed herself by taking in deep breaths. "It's so hard." She didn't realize she'd spoken aloud until Angel's voice protruded. Buffy didn't answer, not wanting to turn the spotlight onto herself. She wanted to hide in her shell like the hermit she was feeling lately.

"What is, Buffy?" Angel gently lifted up her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "Tell me." 

She instantly felt apprehensive. And very trapped. "I-It's nothing. Just thinking. Didn't think I'd say it out loud."

"But what were you-"

"Forget it," Buffy cut him off, hating to be on the defensive. "Let's just talk about us. That's what you wanted."

Angel's eyes turned serious as he dropped the issue. "Then let's talk."


	2. Snacks Of A Different Kind

Eternal Penance - Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Buffy's head spun as she returned home from the mansion. She hadn't revealed everything she was feeling. Just enough to delve into the lighter part of her heart and pick out what she thought Angel wanted to hear. She simply didn't have the heart or the readiness to fully explain her emotions. Didn't know if she could. She had done a fair job since Angel seemed satisfied enough with her answers. 

"I _so_ don't feel like doing this." Buffy's History textbook stared blankly back up at her. History was her least favorable subject, although at a few rare times, it proved to be a valuable asset with her Slayer duties. But there were so many dates and so many events and they all jumbled around in her head like mixed nuts in a can. 

A few minutes passed with a long, unproductive pause as she monotonously tapped her pencil. It wasn't working out as well as she expected, albeit it wasn't much of a surprise when it came to schoolwork. Especially the History part of it. She was about to pound her frustration on her desk when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver, controlling the strong urge to yell at the person on the other end. 

Luckily for her, it was a wise decision, as it was Willow, calling for a daily chat. After a few minutes of chatter, Buffy felt the impulse to relax, have a bit fun, so she made plans for a movie at her house. A short time later, Willow, accompanied with an unsolicited Xander, were on the doorstep. Xander's arms were loaded with snacks. 

"Hey, I've got to keep my energy up if I'm going to live through any movie." he had explained when he saw the incredulous look pass on Buffy's face as she eyed the mountanous pile of food.

"Hmm, I vividly remember asking Willow to come for the movie. But you, Xander...I don't ever recall invitiing you." Buffy shook her head, feigning memory loss. 

"Aw come on, Buff, I came all this way lugging this mound of goodies, only to be turned away from one of my best buds?" A small box of chocolates fell from the stash. Xander nodded emphatically. "See, everything's falling to the floor 'cause I have so much. So you gotta let me in."

"He just wanted an excuse to eat." Willow gave a quick grin.

Buffy picked up the dropped box and gestured them inside. Guiding them into the living room, she pointed at a couch while she herself seated herself in front of a pile a tapes beside the television. She tossed the chocolates on the living room table. "Because of my hospitality, I can have these, right?" 

"Why not. For a friend." Xander's smile was lopsided.

"So with that mountain of snacks, which ones are for us?" She questioned him as she began mulling through the titles. Stopping briefly, she eyed him from her spot on the floor, an eyebrow raised. "You did bring some for us, didn't you?"

Suprise crossed Xander's face, but it was hastily replaced by a reassuring goofy grin. "Oh yeah. I uh, brought these Cheesy-Puffs for you two." He sheepishly rummaged through his conglomerate stash of snacks and held up two small chip bags.

"Right, Xander. Like you'd really give up your food for us." Willow playfully punched him on the shoulder.

"Hey, stop with the violence!" Xander demanded. He turned his attention to Buffy, who was rifling through the tapes with a frown that grew deeper with each tape she flipped through. "So what are we watchin'? Or should I not ask?"

"We're having a vote." Buffy went through each tape, both Xander and Willow yea-ing and nay-ing for each one, also including in her own choices. After a lengthy elimination process, Buffy eventually shoved in a tape that sufficiently pleased all of them. She rooted out something to eat from the kitchen for herself and Willow and settled in between her two guests. 

At the movie's end, everyone stood and stretched, Xander being happy for his fortunate luck of not needing to part with any of his snacks. Buffy checked the clock and gave a small sigh. It was time for her nightly patrol. "Sorry, guys. I've gotta boot you back home. Patrolling."

"You sure you'll be fine without us helping? Do you need our help?" Willow asked as she put on her jacket at the front door.

Before Buffy could answer, Xander threw Willow a patronizing look. "Will, listen to yourself. You're _volunteering_ to go out and risk killing yourself? Are you insane?"

Willow's face blanked as she considered his words. When the implication of her spoken words finally sunk in, her face fell. "Oh. I see your point." She raised her eyebrows at Buffy hopefully. "So you really don't need our help, then, right? You can do it yourself, right?"

Buffy pretended to give it some hard thought. "Uh...I can manage on my own. Thanks for the offer, though. I'll do fine without you guys tagging along. Like Xander here said, it's....good to stay alive."

"Okay, good. Being alive is good. Don't you think so, Xander?" Willow looked over at him for moral support.

Xander firmly gripped Willow's shoulders. "Yes, I find it great to be alive, and now we're leaving before any boogie-monsters come after us." He steered Willow out the door they said their good-byes.

Buffy dressed appropriately, grabbed her stake, and headed into the night. She made her way to one of the deathly silent graveyards in Sunnydale, a perfect place for evil to pop up. She cautiously walked along as her eyes darted back and forth, her body poised and ready. Two vampires jumped out from behind some foiliage, something Buffy wasn't expecting. She assumed they would be vampire enough to come at her from behind or head-on. Before she could raise her stake or taunt as she always did, she was struck across the face. Thrown off balance, she only gripped her stake tighter as she silently cursed, doing a sweeping kick which brought down the agressive vampire. She backhanded the second vampire in the face, then mercilessly kicked it to give her some breathing room.It retaliated by swinging a fist at her own face. 

Buffy was successful at handling the two, with a long auspicious array of punches, kicks, and staking. Just when she predicted more vampires, as if her thought were right on cue, another three came her way. There seemed to be an endless number of them. Every time she drove her stake into one of them, more seemed to pop up. She got thrown onto her back and pinned, her stake lying a few feet away from her. Things were _not_ looking good. Struggling to get one of the vampires off of her, she panicked as its fangs appeared, ready to go in for the kill. 

"I never realized what an honor it is being the first to taste the Slayer," the vampire growled, its face inches within her own. A sudden vicious kick caught the vampire in the jaw, throwing him off and freeing Buffy. She didn't waste any time wondering who her savior was as she retrieved her stake and continued fighting. 

She heard the sounds of successful hits as the groans of pain from vampires met her ears. She was so focused on fighting that she blocked out the other person's appearance, only taking in where her ally was stepping and dodging, so she wouldn't accidently stake him or her. As soon as the last vampire was dusted and quiet decended the graveyard, she took in a breath as she turned to the person and stopped when she recognized who it was. 

"Angel," Buffy breathed, her surprise dissipating. Of course it had to be Angel. Who else in their right mind would choose to be out at night when it was the only time blood-sucking creatures and other nasties that bumped-in-the-night made themselves welcome? "Thanks. For a second there, I thought I was going to be vampire food."

"You all right?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine." She put away her stake and gingerly touched the side of her face, flinching when she felt a sore spot. "Those vamps were harder to beat than the last time I was head-to-head with them. Must be on the killing mission more than ever. Or maybe I'm losing my touch." 

"Are you sure you're okay? " Angel raised a hand to her face, but she impulsively stepped back. She was still edgy about his abrupt intense outbursts, whether it was a verbal response or a physical action. 

"It's nothing I can't solve with a pack of ice, if it turns that bad." Buffy attempted to reassure him with a weak smile. Angel slowly lowered his hand. Buffy couldn't tell if the look in his eyes revealed hurt, but she brushed it off, thinking her assertiveness wasn't a crime. 

"I'll walk you home?" 

Buffy shook her head, indicating that she was heading to the library. "But I've got an idea." She suddenly felt her heartbeat go up a notch, consciously aware she was only making a request, and it wasn't ultimately life-threatening.

"What's that?"

Taking a deep breath, Buffy said, "Why don't you come with me? Then you can see the others. Finally tell them about yourself."

Angel's facial expression changed to uneasiness. "Why? What do mean?"

Buffy knew he was trying to tip-toe around the subject and she wasn't about to let him off the hook. "You know what I'm talking about." 

The attempted puzzlement on Angel's face turned into sadness as his gaze fell. "I can't." 

Buffy flared, her voice hard with anger. "I hate it! I can't take it not being able to talk about you to the others. To me, it's like you're some sacred god who can't be spoken about. To everyone else, it's just a subject matter. I'll bet anything they wonder how in the world I can manage so well 'without you'. I can't keep it inside me any longer-"

"Not now. I-I can't do it now. Not when it's been so soon. I still remember it all, how much I hurt everyone. A-and Giles....I don't- "

"All right, so you feel bad. How long do you expect me to keep you hidden? A few more months? A year? Forever? They're going to find out sooner or later. They're not idiots. " Buffy clutched his sleeve in frustration, and she felt like shoving him and hitting him, over and over over, but that wouldn't get any answers. "Please Angel, I feel so bad not being able to tell the others. They think you're dead. And I'm getting vibes that they're getting suspicious." She roughly let go of his sleeve and eyed him warily. "And it'll be hell if they find out the hard way about you. I'll make it." A sudden burst of resentment welled up inside her and before she could control it, she blurted angrily, "God, do know how hard it is, day after day? To be around my friends and act all normal and happy when I'm really not-" 

"I know it's hard!" Angel cut her off, a tiny flare of anger in his tone. Instantly, his voice grew softer. "I need more time. Don't ask me how much," he added, cutting off any protest, "You have to hang on a little more."

"You're going to kill me!" A gust of wind blew by them, sending a chill through Buffy. Her words laced with malice, she spat out, "One day I'm- I'm going to tell them all about you. And I'm not going to care if you're there with me to witness it. I'll take their words and beatings for you, but at least I'll have a clear conscience. Or maybe I should stake you myself so I don't need to worry." For effect, -and possibly temporary insanity- Buffy pulled out her stake and leveled it at his chest, lightly pressing the tip of it against his shirt, right at his heart. 

Angel didn't move. He simply glanced down at the stake and back to her face, no sign of fear in his eyes, no emotion that revealed any panic. Just a calm, accepting look. "Are you going to do it?" 

His voice was so absolutely neutral, Buffy stared at him incredously, not knowing how to respond. Then she quickly realized why. She slowly lowered the stake and put it away, feeling foolish, her attempt at intimidating him shot down. If she had wanted him killed, she would have done it much earlier.

Angel spoke, his voice still quiet. "I know you're strong. And I know how much this is hurting you. It hurts me too." 

Buffy didn't answer.

He caught the look of otherwise that flashed on Buffy's face and he added with a shake of his head, "Believe what you want. But.if you can't.don't want tohold on.you don't have to. All I want is time. I'm not asking for anything else." 

Buffy had to turn away from his line of vision as an unexpected film of tears formed in her eyes. She couldn't remember a time Angel had wanted something so desperately from her. The pain in his eyes seemed sincere enough, but she thought he was acting a little irrationally, too dramatically. She depised how easily he had sucked her in with without much of a choice with his words. It was either feel the pricking guilt of her consciousness if she kept to herself, or the insane tide of panic if she clued the others in. 

She didn't turn around, and her tone accompanied her coldness. "I'm going to the library. You coming or leaving? Or do you need some time to think about that?" Buffy couldn't keep the sarcasm out of her tone.

Hurt was evident as Angel carefully answered. "I'll leave."

"I'll see you." Buffy's answer was crisp as walked away without a glance back, leaving Angel to stare after her. 

In the library, Buffy abruptly slipped into a mood of remoteness as she told her friends and Giles concise details of her patrol, all while trying to hurry up the meeting. 

"Are you all right, Buffy?" Giles questioned after awhile when he noticed her somber state. 

"Very tired." Buffy's answer was terse. She wasn't flat-out lying. She _was_ tired. Only her fatigue wasn't primarily physical.

"Did you find anything else that would give a clue as to what these vampires are after?" Giles asked.

Buffy pretended to think about it before derisively answering, "Gee, Giles, maybe they're after the glory of being the first to kill me? You know, to get the trophy for 'Best Vampire?'"

"Buffy..."

She sat back and sighed apologetically at her caustic answer. "Sorry. I told you, I'm tired. It establishes that I'm cranky and not in the best of moods." She leaned her head against the back of the chair, staring up at the aging ceiling of the library.

"Then this'll be a short meeting, as I'm sure the rest of you aren't in the mood for _discussion_." Giles had leaned close to a snoozing Xander's ear, clearly emphasizing the word. Xander shot up, almost butting heads with the Watcher. 

"Gee, is it morning already?" Xander asked in a perky voice, a smile brightening his face. Upon seeing the bored looks on everyone's faces plus the recognition of where he was, he let out a moan, his expression falling. "Guess not."

"See, there you go, Giles," Buffy gestured at Xander's sleepiness as she lifted her head up. "He's tired, and so am I. I've already told you what happened and alll the itty-bitty details I could remember and there's nothing really left to discuss." 

"Me too! I'm feeling a need for a nap." Willow agreed, stretching out her arms in a yawning gesture.

"Me three. The sleep bug's getting to me." Oz added.

A silence passed as the teenagers stared at Cordelia expectantly. Cordelia finally got the clue. "Oh yeah, me too." Cordelia nodded emphatically. "I'm just _so _tired. I mean, I need my beauty rest in order to think properly."

Buffy smiled, satisfied. "See? Everyone's all cranky and sleepy like me, so would you please let us go?" Acting like a little kid made her feel better, although she couldn't figure why.

Giles sighed at the teenagers' attempts at weaseling out of the meeting and he gave a small smile. "Well, I've got to admit, I'm also very tired and a good night's sleep would do me well," HIs' eyebrows drew together, "although I probably should rephrase that since I'm on the Hellmouth."

"That means we can go?" Xander asked in an exaggerated happy voice of a child, clasping his hands together. 

"Yes. You all may go. But rest assured, we'll have a regular meeting tomorrow night."

"Yay!" Xander continued his child charade by clapping his hands, evoking laughs. 

As the group of friends made their way out of the library, Giles' voice called Buffy back. Buffy inwardly groaned, knowing exactly what he wanted. "I'll catch you guys later," she told her friends with a departing wave. Giles sat on the edge of the research table, patiently waiting for his Slayer. 

"Yes?"

It took a moment before he said anything. He examined her face closely like a bird peering curiously at a worm. It instantly made Buffy skittish. When he spoke, his face was sympathetic, his voice genuinely concerned. "Buffy, you've been acting a little strange lately. A little distracted. Is there anything that's bothering you that you need to talk about?"

Angel obviously came into mind, but Buffy didn't voice it. "Nope. Nothing's wrong."

"Are you sure?" Giles put a hand on her shoulder. "If you need to talk, you know I'm here for you."

Buffy politely shook it off, immediately regretting doing so. t was an action that revealed the irritation she wasn't admitting. She found it difficult to meet his eyes. "Yes, I'm fine. I've...just been really busy. The slaying, the tons of homework I'm suddenly getting, my friends. I-I mean, I haven't been spending that much time with the gang, and....well, I feel kind of bad. " 

Giles gaze was dubious, though not believing her words. 

"I do!" Buffy protested half-emphatically, hoping she sounded convincing enough for her Watcher to approve and let her go. "You just don't know it. But now that I've told you, the news is out and now you know."

"Is it Angel?" Giles asked the question as though she hadn't said anything.

The cheerful demeanor on Buffy's face dropped. "Angel." she said evenly, wondering if Giles was capable of mind reading. For the second time of the day. Her heart beat faster, a tide of nervousness beginning to rise, but she forced it down.

"Yes. Is it still bothering you?"

"What is?" Buffy acted oblivous.

"You...having to kill him." Giles's face grew even more sympathetic as his eyes softened through his glasses. Buffy could feel herself on the brink of spilling and valiently resisted. How much she wanted to say what was on her mind! The thing that was such a burden for the past few weeks, let out in one breath. She wasn't even sure if saying it aloud would cause more pain than what it was worth.

"Well..." She scrambled to think of something to say which would pacify him other than the honest truth. After a quick moment of thought, she could answer honestly, "Yeah. It- It's hard. It'll...always be hard." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Buffy listened, _really _heard them, and realized it was true. Her life would always be hard. Especially secretly dealing with Angel for the past few weeks, with her flares of exasperation and mixed emotions, whether she loved him the same before his misfortunate change. Of course, Giles didn't know any of that. Neither did Willow, who Buffy wished she could confide to about the reeling emotions bottled up inside. 

Buffy shifted awkwardly from foot-to-foot. "Well, if that's it, I'm going. I'm suppose to meet Willow. She's..waiting for me." She held up a hand, indicating her need to leave. She had to get away from his presumptuous look before she broke like an egg shell and confessed about Angel. 

A long and questionable stare followed and Buffy wondered if her heart was audible enough for him to hear. She wasn't sure if she was going to choke from her pumping heat or pass out completely from hyperventilation. Giles didn't comment, but relented with a nod, watching her with a closer interest, astutely picking up her onset of discomfort.

"Thanks." Buffy quickly turned and left, sensing his eyes still trained on her. She felt she was about to burst out in a fit of rage, or was it pitiful weeping? Each step she took was self-consciously done until she had passed completely through the swinging doors of the library, where the binds of the Watcher's gaze broke with their closing. Then she was no longer uncomfortable. She ran through the halls, wanting to run forever and forget everything for even a wishful minute. 

_God, Angel, how long are you playing this game for? When is it going to stop? _The questions screamed in her mind. She had thought about it over and over, whether their one moment of pure happiness was worth all the pain that came after. A night of love, she had predicted, and the day after, a girl-chat with Willow to sort her emotions. Buffy did receive her night of love, but having Angel's soul ripped away, his brutal killings, then killing her lover altogether was something which she never anticipated. Nor was his return.

When she arrived home, she quickly settled on skipping her unfinished homework altogether and going straight to bed. As she lay under the covers and drifted off to sleep, she wondered whether she would ever obtain a sense of peace. If perhaps one day she would be able to lie beside Angel in times that could only imagine in her dreams. 

***** 

At the mansion, Angel paced back and forth impatiently, like a wild animal in the darkness, anxious for a kill. Anxious like waiting for a taste of fresh blood to pass his lips. A nervous, nagging uneasiness that couldn't be satisfied any other way than finding the right solution. 

A small fire was lit in the fireplace, but the intenseness of the brooding that invaded his mind shut out its warmth. An icy chill from his dark reflections infused itself into his flesh, seeping down to his bones. He wanted so badly not to hurt Buffy, but at the same time, wanted just as much for himself to melt away undiscovered to her friends. 

Angel's brain could not help but probe and envisage how his presence would be taken. Shocked and furious. Instinctively stake-welding and cross-bearing as soon as the recognition sunk into their heads, the entire truth dawning on them like twilight blotting out the light of the sun. Once they hooked on to the fact he was once again alive, very real, and potentially very dangerous, chaos would ensue. Angel shuddered at his grim insight. 

Out of all them, Giles was the worst. Recalling the brutal actions of agony from his evil self, Angel winced as he knew not only did he torment Giles for hours on end, but he also killed Jenny Calender, Giles' first true love. If Giles had the chance, Angel sullenly presumed, he would gladly plunge a stake through his heart for all the misery he had inflicted.

_But it wasn't me. It wasn't really me, it was Angelus. All this pain, a lifetime....It wasn't me..._ Angel wrapped his arms around himself, hoping the mechanical gesture would be of some comfort. His thoughts were partly true. His civilian self would've never done such an act. Perhaps it might have, but he was souless at the time of his killings, so he knew for certain it was his evil side. His thoughts weren't exactly helping him calm down. It only drowned him more into the binding sea of despair about his past, the stinging truth of it gnawing at him. His heart felt the ache of emptiness, the heaviness of his guilt. 

His pacing brought him to the front doors, where his gaze lifted upwards, and through the etched glass, it allowed him the sight of the full moon, shining bright and lonesome. Peacefulness flowed through him, watching the cool brightness of it. At least one thing in the world had endured the amount of solitude he had and would continue still. Then again, the moon had the shining stars as friends. 

He felt the urge to yank open the door and allow the biting air to envelop his body, convince himself that it would help atone for his sins in some way, but he stayed frozen in place, his mind's way of telling his body he wasn't going anywhere. He was aware that the frigid wind from the outside world would only numb the outer shell of his physical body and it wouldn't be enough to stop his reckless train of thought. It wasn't enough to make amends. He would never be able to, no matter how much he tried. 

He simply stood there, staring through the glass, letting age-old memories claw at him with their haunted ways, twisting bitter and painful in his mind and soul. 


	3. Being Human

Eternal Penance - Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

Time passed quickly for Buffy and she didn't pay much thought with her plight with Angel. With school, slaying and social life, she didn't have much time to dwell on it. She was kept busy enough without the hassle of dealing with Angel. It was somewhat of a relief because she needed a break from him. Buffy figured he'd live without her for a few days. She was in the library during one of the nightly meetings about patrol and had glanced at the calendar hanging nearby and was surprised; two weeks had flown by since her last visit. She shrugged it off inwardly, reminding herself that she had more important things to think about than Angel. 

Giles's subtle prodding hadn't stopped entirely, but it had kept a steady pace with each day. Buffy managed to squirm her way out of talking to him about any of her personal problems, making needless excuses ranging from "helping Xander with homework" to "having to head to the bathroom." And every time she eluded away from his questions and explicit looks, the pangs of penitence she felt each time grew heavier and heavier, like pennies being added in a jar. She knew she was going to die if she didn't say something soon.

As for Angel, she had gotten into a habit of avoiding the mansion, no matter how strong the urges to see him were. She didn't know how she managed to stay away, but she did. Giles made her train an intensive training program, sharpening her slaying skills and reflexes. Outwardly, she complained to her Watcher about the tedious and dull sessions and how she would rather be doing anything else, but secretly, she was glad for the distraction. Not only did it relieve her from some of the vast stress mounted on her from keeping Angel secret, it also gave her something to concentrate on. It focused her mind on the only one true purpose in life. Being a Slayer. 

Though Buffy tried her best at the skills Giles requested her to demonstrate for evaluation, she still had the nagging feeling that he knew her mind was occupied by something. He just didn't know what. Buffy planned to keep it that way for a good long while.

At the end of a long week, Buffy was at Willow's house where she had immediately dropped onto the bed as soon as she had walked into her friend's room, heaving a huge sigh as she tried to take a break from the strain from the past week. "Man, I'm so tired, Will." Buffy complained, calling Willow by her nickname. "I want to sleep!"

Willow opened a bag of chips she had brought in, dumping them into a bowl and offered it to Buffy. "Why don't you take a nap?" 

Grabbing a handful, Buffy munched on them. "I could, but I really feel like doing something else other than snoozing." 

Willow frowned in confusion, "But you just said you wanted to sleep."

"I do, but I'd rather use my time doing other stuff." 

"Oh." 

Quiet descended the room, and Buffy didn't notice anything peculiar until Willow's nervous fiddling grew obvious enough to catch her attention. "All right, Will, what are you hiding?" 

Willow's eyes widened as she was taken in by surprise. Self-consciously, she shook her head. "Oh, it's nothing."

"Come on, Will, you can tell me."

Willow didn't answer right away, but she finally blurted all at once, "So how are you feeling?"

Buffy gave her a strange look. "FineWhy do you ask?"

"Well, this whole thing with Angel and all.I mean, with him gone, I was just wondering. I-if you're doing good. I know how much he meant to you."

Touched by her friend's concern, Buffy answered with a growing pang of guilt, "I.didn't't knowHow long have you been wondering for?" 

Willow looked down at her hands. "Just this past week or so. You just seemedkind of preoccupied with something. If it's Angel you want to talk about-"

"No!" Buffy interrupted, wide-eyed. "I'm fine. Really. This whole Angel thingit's fine, really. I'm over it. Or..I'm slowly getting over it, I mean." She stammered, a jolt shooting through her as she remembered Angel's plea, then a sudden rush of anger because of it. 

"Are you sure?" Willow's concerned green eyes gazed into Buffy's own blue. "You're acting kind of funny."

"Really?" Buffy rolled off the bed and began pacing the room, picking up various objects, pretending to inspect them.

Willow motioned a hand to her. "Like now. You're doing that walking thing. And you're looking at my stuff like you've never seen them before."

"Is it a bad thing to have some extra energy?" Wringing her hands, Buffy let out a lame laugh which sounded too high in her ears.

"I thought you just said you didn't have any," Willow's raised eyebrow confirmed her observation.

"Oh yeah, I did, didn't I?" Buffy wasn't sure if now would be a good time to wish for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. It'd be a lot simpler than explaining her dilemma to her best friend. At the foot of Willow's bed, she snatched a stuffed bunny off the covers and tried to look nonchalant as she batted its big ears. 

"Are you sure nothing's wrong?" Willow questioned once more.

"Yes, I'm positive. It's just...balancing everything. That's my main problem right now. What's more important, slaying or brooding over a dead boyfriend?" Buffy's voice had unconsciously risen a notch as she felt a stab of annoyance at the hidden truth behind her comment, immediately followed by more guilt. Damn, this penance was going to be the death of her. Angel didn't deserve a verbal beating, even though he wasn't bodily in the room. She knew her friend was only worrying. 

She wished like hell that she could say something about how tormented she felt with her secret. How lonely it was not being able to tell her best friend how her lover had suddenly come back from Hell and how scared she was about explaining to Giles her situation. 

Buffy dropped onto the comforter again, putting down Willow's stuffed rabbit. "Look, let's talk about something else. I don't want to bog you down. I wanted to come here to relax a bit, not to be handed more guilt for being quiet about my problems." At least what she said had truth in it. Just that Willow didn't know the other half of the puzzle.

Hesitatingly shrugging, the red-haired teen eventually complied with a nod. "So what do you want to talk about?"

Buffy relaxed. A mischievous smile crossed her face. "How bout you and Oz?"

*****

Angel was dreaming of bliss. It was nearing sunrise, and he was walking on a dirt path through a thick area of damp forest, thousands of hues of green surrounding him. He never thought how many shades there actually were. Buffy was walking alongside him, her hand in his, smiling her happiness, but not uttering a word. He was feeling joyous too. His time had finally come to see the rays of sunlight with the one person who he truly cared for. And he was not afraid. 

Angel looked around, then upwards, his mouth slowly opening in awe as the stars in the black midnight sky disappeared, leaving a brightening sky through the leaves of the trees which seemed to reach up and touch the clouds. He wasn't sure how he managed see past the millions of leaves at the top, but he dismissed it, his mind merely grasped the question in its palm, letting it go in the next beat. So transfixed by the sight of the illuminating show, he kept his eyes upward, the slow onset of the sun's bright rays transforming the sky a cotton-candy pink with each step. 

A small clearing lay ahead and a childish excitement bubbled inside Angel. He knew that he would see the morning sky clearer when the trees thinned out just a few feet ahead. Anticipation with knowing he could finally see the sun with the person most significant to him. 

He smiled at Buffy as he stepped into the clearing and once again turned his eyes upward. Sunrise didn't show itself. Angel swore the sky was remaining as night, not brilliant day like he expected. _But it's sunrise. Where's the sun? Isn't it coming?_ Puzzled, a growing dread spreading through his body, he looked over at Buffy for an answer and almost fell over when he didn't see her. What had happened? Did he let go of her hand because he was so entranced by the coming of dawn? Or did she simply disappear like smoke?

Turning in all directions, his eyes searched, silently pleading for her presence. He called her name desperately, but she didn't appear nor answer. He was so close, seeing the approaching sun, but it wasn't worth it if Buffy wasn't with him, to see his joy. But the sun wasn't showing and he didn't know why and he wasn't exhilarated anymore and the questions whirled in his brain and he wasn't sure if he were about to scream. 

_Was it because of her? Was it her bodily presence that allowed the light of day to appear? And now that she's gone, the sun is too? Am I mad at her because she stole away my opportunity? _Angel was going crazy. That couldn't be the reason. But he had no other explanation. 

_Am I blaming Buffy because the sun won't shine? That can't be right! _Even as Angel protested against himself, a rising ache of anger grew. It was her fault he couldn't see the sun rise and his fault for letting her go and where was she? The panic that had already risen peaked to a new level as he wildly searched for her. Now he could've cared less about seeing daylight. He needed to find Buffy and needed to get answers.

And he called out her name over and over, like an inscrutable omen, but she still did not appear. 

Angel's eyes shot open, his hands clutching the blanket covering him. Confusion flowed through him. Was the dream a sign? Was something going to happen to Buffy? He sat up, burying his face into his hands. At that moment, he wished Buffy were there beside him, comforting and listening. But the sun was still up and she was in her normal life. He would need to sort it out later. 

"Hello there, Angelus."

Angel's head jerked to the side as his entire body tensed, catching sight of a young woman with long chestnut colored hair and green eyes, standing a few feet away, wearing a simple blue dress that ended just above her knees.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" He threw back the blankets and rolled off the bed, away from the girl, his body automatically prepped in a battle stance. HIs body still was sluggish from the lingering effects of sleep.

"I'm not here to hurt you, Angelus. I'm just here to make you quite an enticing offer." She started to near him, and he instinctively backed away. "Stop running, Angelus. I told you, I'm not here for any battle, so relax." She stopped just in front of him.

Eyeing her warily, Angel figured she knew the story of his past history and didn't bother explaining it as he said with intense conviction, "I'm not Angelus anymore. My name's Angel."

The girl cocked an eyebrow. "Angel, huh? As long as we're on the subjects of names, mine is Celeste. I'm a witch, and I'm not talking about annoying people. And you are a vampire. With a soul, hum?" She stated it as if it weren't obvious.

Angel was definitely not in the mood to play games. And now he was wide awake. "What do you want?" His tone wasn't kind. 

Celeste scoffed, pretending to be hurt. "If you're going to be mean, maybe I shouldn't bother telling you my little secret. It's a good one, I'll assure you."

The look Angel was glaring at her was on the borderline between the mortal part of himself wanting to physically rip her apart or his vampire self yearning to completely drain her of her blood.

"Hmm." Celeste ignored his contemptuous steely gaze and walked around him, pacing. "What would you do if you were human?"

The question made anger and a slow, cold foreboding seize him as his eyes followed her, his guard still up. "I don't know."

Celeste turned around. "I have a spell that can replace all that vampire inside you into, oh say, human?"

Angel felt as though a two ton freight train hit him. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The foreboding turned into a tingle of hope. Was it, really?

Celeste's lips twisted into a cat-like smile. "You could give up your crummy life as a vampire and walk on the other side to humanity."

"How can there be a spell to change demons and vampires into humans? It's impossible!" Angel was still trying to grip the newly stated concept.

"Magic changes. New spells are formed all the time. This spell is simple, really. But I don't want to bore you with the details." Celeste eyed him suggestively. "Interested?"

Angel couldn't stand how she was leering at him. His eyes narrowed slightly. 

"Come on, Angel, I know you are. I could feel it when I said the words." Celeste stood before him and ran a slow hand down the side of his face. 

He jerked away as though her touch would burn him to death. He couldn't believe he didn't rip her apart earlier. But the thought of humanity postponed his violent actions and got his thought process going like a running car engine, blotting out his disdain momentarily. "This spell is permanent?"

Celeste pouted at his dissonant move. "As permanent as your name." After a quick forethought, she added, "Though for you, that's a different case."

The whirling impact of the information was still being infused into Angel's cerebellum, and he had to confirm it to convince himself he still wasn't dreaming. "Are you lying? Is this some kind of joke?"

"Not at all, my Angel."

Angel gritted his teeth. Here this girl was, going on and on about transforming him into a human and suddenly calling him her own. He didn't belong to anyone else but Buffy. "I'm not yours." He didn't think he could phrase his words any clearer.

"Oh, that's the other part of this "humanitarian" deal."

"What do you mean?"

"If you do decide to be a human, I have to. See, this spell only works on twosomes who are cursed with humanitarian qualities."

Angel felt even more lightheaded. "You're cursed with humanity?"

Celeste nodded sadly, like a disobedient dog, and Angel wondered if she was going to throw in a whimper for effect. 

"I am. I really have a desire to be a real human. Then I can feel and do things without the hassle of being a witch. Someone's always after you if you're someone special. And it's the same for you. You can be human without the vampire disguise. Don't need to worry about torching yourself because of sunlight." She paused, giving him a cocky smile. "Sounds strange, I know, me wanting to give up my spell casting days and agony-inflicting nights, but that's how badly I want to become a human. I'm tired to being hunted."

"I don't understand. So what does that have to do about this 'us' bit?"

"I'm yours until the day I die. When I'm human, of course. And vice versa. " Celeste beamed a loving grin at him as the sickening sensation in Angel's stomach grew so large, he wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or vomit. "What...what if I don't want you to be mine?" The words were impatient and pained him to say. He was loyal to Buffy and he wasn't about to change anytime soon.

"Then the curse won't work." Celeste's answer was blunt. "Besides, once two individuals like us turn human for the first time, we're like small children being able to swim for the first time without the help of someone holding on. It's our first time. We'll be scared and we'll need comfort; I'll know we can help ourselves through those tough moments together." 

Angel found her speech excessively melodramatic and tried not to moan aloud his opinion, let alone throw something at her. "So basically, if I take your offer, you stay with me?"

"Wouldn't it be wonderful?" Celeste edged even closer, and he involuntarily backed up, only to have his heel meet the side of his bed. Wild thoughts flashed through his mind, and all of them concluded badly. He attempted to pry himself away from her clutches and not to tip backward onto the bed at the same time, but she was so close, so aggressive, he couldn't go anywhere else but the bed. This was definitely _not _good.

*****

Buffy sighed with resignation. She had to see Angel. It had been too long and she knew well that he understood why her visits had become more infrequent during the past couple weeks. As much as she hated to admit, she missed Angel, despite the brooding cloud of thoughts he often had in store when she saw him. She had stayed at Willow's place for another hour before the pangs of guilt gave way to an insistent, annoying push that forced her to head to the mansion. 

It was still bright outside when Buffy headed to Angel's. She assumed he would still be asleep, but with Angel, when had her assumptions been actually right? She knew it was earlier than usual for her impromptu visit, but she couldn't stave off her desire any longer. Even if he weren't awake, she could merely watch him sleep. It would be comfort enough. Somehow, it always managed to comfort. Maybe it was the fact she could watch him, unnoticed, his innocence exposed, by the tranquility on his face. It was the one time Buffy could say that his guard was let down. Or perhaps it was an illusion. Perhaps inside, there was an internal clock that kept up his guard while he physically relaxed, only sounding its chime when danger neared.

Inside the main hall of the mansion, Buffy looked at the surroundings, taking in the spaciousness and airy breeze that always greeted her whenever she entered. She heard some faint noises and she held her breath, trying to distinguish where the source was. Locating it to Angel's bedroom, she headed its direction, surprised at his wakefulness. At the doorway, she froze dead in her tracks. 

She felt the deep stab of hurt pierce her stomach so hard, she wasn't sure if she would pass out or inflict some serious damage. A girl, appearing about Buffy's age, and quite the belligerent type, was slowly advancing toward Angel. He was about to tip back onto the bed, and it didn't need any stating that what the girl was trying would be something that would cost him dearly. His face was evident of his discomfort, but Buffy couldn't help but secretly wonder if he had the tiniest inkling of enjoyment, even though his face wasn't showing it. He was quite the expert when it came to hiding his true feelings. 

_And it'll cost her even more once I get my hands around her scrawny neck!_ Buffy's savage mind couldn't help but jump to conclusions as her eyes took in the scene. The girl was attempting to unbutton his shirt, but Angel was firm, clamping on to her wrists so she couldn't. She didn't seem to mind his action, for she reacted instead by leaning in for a kiss. 

Buffy wasn't even sure how low her jaw could fall open, but if it wasn't reaching its limit, it was doing it now. Her brain was sending frantic signals to her mouth, trying to make her form words and speak them, but regretfully, all that came out was a small squeak. She wasn't sure if it was the sound or her physical presence, but Angel caught sight of her. Buffy yanked her eyes away from the heart-wrenching scene and spun on her heels, running back for the entrance. She's had enough. She had to get out. Had to make a feasible plan and hurt inside and kill, kill, kill. Ending whose life, -perhaps both of them if she got angry enough- she hadn't made the decision. Buffy heard the faint call of her name, begging her to stop, maybe also begging for instant forgiveness, but she was far past comprehending to make out what Angel was saying. 

The sound of her running feet gave her an idea. Not as drastic as death, but more excrutiatingly painful. Her whim would linger for however long she wanted, a vile poision that would slowly draw out the life of a being. Wanting Angel to feel a fraction of the pain that was churning inside her, she stopped at the entrance and slowly pulled open one of the double glass doors and calmly faced him, stepping backwards outside into the warm sunlight, letting it wash over her. 

Angel halted to a stop at the open door, just inches before entering into the scorching rays of sun. He flinched hard against the burning sunlight. Buffy knew that moment he recognized what she was planning as his eyes widened in shock and desperation, his hands knotting into fists. 

Buffy's tone was absolutely impassive, her face an etch in stone. "I stopped. I did what you wanted me to."

"Please." Angel's face showed pure anguish, his voice imploring and shaking. "Don't do this to me. You know I can't."

"That's too bad." Buffy twirled around in a circle, her arms outstretched as she hugged the sunbeams. "I like the sun. It's nice, it's really bright." She stopped and stared at him coldly. "And it'd light you on fire as soon as you step out here. It's too bad you're not human, Angel. Then you might of had a chance to stop me."

Her remark seemed to strike a nerve, as the plea for her understanding pooled in Angel's dark eyes more intensely. The tension in his body grew taut as he took a labored step closer, shrinking against the other door, his body trembling in pain. "I know what it seems like. I can explain it, just- Please come inside. I can't- It hurts-"

"Good." Tears streamed down Buffy's face and her voice continued to be dauntless. "You feel how much it hurts. Because you'll be feeling it for a long time!" 

"Please don't leave. I can explain it all!" Angel's face was so tormented with harsh emotions, Buffy could almost swear tears were springing into his eyes, but just presumed it as a trick of light. 

"With what? Some lame excuse? Is she some long lost lover of your distant past? No wait, was Drucilla, what am I saying?" Buffy choked out sarcastically, referring to a love of Angel's mortal life before he became a vampire. 

"That's not it at all-" 

"Forget it. I don't want to hear it anymore." The last of Buffy's resolve finally crumbled as she broke down, stifling a sob as she turned and ran.

"Buffy!" Angel gripped the door, completely powerless to do anything else but watch after her disappearing figure, a deep sense of regret, immediately taken over by a raging hostility. As soon as she was gone, he slammed the door behind him with such a hurl, that he almost shattered the glass, tearing back to where Celeste stood watching. He didn't even give her time to open her mouth. "What do you think you're doing? What were you trying to do?" 

Celeste ignored his questions. "That's the price to pay for not being human, huh?"

Angel deflated, letting his shoulders drop in dismay as he turned away from her, his anger dying out like a burnt candle. Celeste was right. If he had been human, he would've been able to chase after Buffy, talk to her. But he was a vampire, and the truth of that fact was one of the invisible barricades between bliss and oblivion. And even if he could have chased after Buffy, just an arm's length away, Celeste would be tagging behind him just like a puppy. His stomach lurched at the thought. Was was he going to do?


	4. High Stress

Eternal Penance - Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

For the next few hours, Buffy's anger and moody thoughts equaled the fiery violence of a raging storm as she did her slaying and reported back at the library, where she made no attempt to hide it. She simply explained that she had a rough day at school. She was so angry at Angel, her anger fueled her hate of her destiny, and she began to hate her life as well. 

By the time she got home, she managed to set off her mother, who let out a stream of irate words which Buffy responded by locking herself in her room. As soon as she shut the door, a strangled scream came out, the remorse of the incident with her mother, Angel, her entire life, flowing through her veins as she restrained from breaking something. 

Buffy collapsed onto her bed and fell asleep, only to be roused what felt like minutes later by a light tapping. She didn't distinguish it at first, but as the sound grew repetitious, she convinced herself it wasn't part of some dream she was having and she slowly opened her eyes in a fog of confusion, wondering where the rapping was coming from. She sat up, her bleary eyes roaming around the room until they settled out the window. A pulse of anger rushed through her when she spotted Angel. 

Crossing the room, she unlatched the window and inched it open, enough to hear him speak, but not to allow him entry. "What are you doing here?" As soon as the words were out of Buffy's mouth, she felt foolish for asking. Of course she knew the reason why.

"I need to talk to you about earlier." Angel's eyes held the look of understanding from before, even through the few hours that passed. "Please."

Buffy was resolute to let him suffer, but the curious, patient side of her heart got the best and she grudgingly pushed the window open fully. Sometimes, she really hated the negotiable side of her persona. 

"I want to apologize from before-" Angel started to say as he climbed in, but she cut him off.

"I don't care about an apology right now. All I want is an explanation." Buffy's eyes were molten steel and she noticed the visible apprehension in Angel's body language at her determined attitude. "So talk."

Angel's rigid shoulders lifted, then dropped as he collected himself. "How much did you see?"

"How much do you think?" Buffy was not backing down. Her arms crossed as she waited.

"That girl you saw me with....I know what you're thinking and it's nothing like that. It-" Angel shut his eyes in pain as he tried again. "I don't know who she is. I was sleeping and when I woke, she was there." He began to pace as he spoke. "I don't know how she got in the mansion, but she said she was a witch. She told me she didn't want to fight and all she had was an offer."

"An offer." Buffy's voice was precarious, if not partly suspicious. "What kind of offer?" 

"Let me finish."

She complied, her animosity declining as she sat on her bed, watching him with a vigilance that mingled with curiousity.

"So she told me her offer, and I asked some questions. Next thing I know, she's suddenly all so friendly and that's when you saw me." Angel looked over at her for...forgiveness? Clarification?

Buffy nodded at the latter. "So what was this fantastic offer?"

Angel's eye contact flitted from her own as he turned away from her, his hands twisting nervously. 

"Angel? What is it?"

"I'm not sure if you want to hear it."

Her eagerness was mixed with trepidation, a deadly mixture. She felt as though she were about to explode. "I do. Just tell me."

A long silence was Angel's response before he verbally said anything. Facing her, he asked quietly, "Would you love me any different if I were human?"

The words didn't sink in right away. Buffy could simply not comprehend what he just said. "Human? She- She made you an offer to be human?" She rose from the bed and stood in front of him, staring intensely in his dark eyes for the truth, still trying to absorb the notion fully. "Is that it?"

"Would you?" 

Buffy couldn't reply to his loaded question. "I really don't know." 

Intent on finishing his story, Angel let the subject go and continued. "But there's something else."

As Buffy looked at him expectantly, he closed his eyes as if summoning courage. It was this additional gesture that struck her brain, expecting to hear bad news. And it came.

"I have...to be with her if I turn human. I...I don't think I have a choice if I do take the offer."

Buffy didn't think she could handle any more. First the news of him becoming possibly human and now the conceivable image of him being tied down to some other girl if he changed? "Well...I don't know what to say." she finally managed to reply once she found her voice. 

"I don't want to be with her. I want to be with you. It's what I've wanted for such a long time. To become human and be with you." Angel closed in the gap between them and crushed her fiercely against his body. "I- I don't know what to do." His voice turned strangely desperate.

Buffy wanted to pull away, to continue being acrimonious toward him, but she couldn't do neither. She was still in utter shock, and it prevented her from lashing. "I'm glad you told me." Her words came out whispered.

"Do you still hate me?" Angel pulled away and peered down earnestly into her eyes. His left hand trembled as he tucked some loose hair behind her ear. 

_He's so scared...so lost...why do I take it in so easily?_Buffy just stared into his eyes, deeper and deeper, into the pure dark depths. Farther and farther, enough to touch his soul, enough to fall- Her knees gave a small unexpected buckle and she felt Angel's arm, relaxed around her waist, automatically tighten. She regained her composure, assuring him she was fine, but he guided her to the bed, despite her words. She sat down beside it, leaning against the mattress. Angel followed suit, fixing her with an attentive look. 

"I don't hate you." Buffy could answer honestly. "I got...carried away, I guess."

"It's all right. You didn't know."

She shrugged.

"Do....you forgive me?"

Buffy pretended to examine her nails, remaining straight-faced. She really didn't want to stay mad at him. She had enough hassle in her life. "Maybe I won't. I might need to think about it. You know, mull it over for a few years. I can give you answer then."

"Buffy!" Angel's face still registered his anxiety, even as a small smile passed his lips.

"Yes." Buffy met his eyes. The patient side of her had now completely took over. "I forgive you. I really wanted to grovel about it. But a part of me won't let me. "

His strained expression lowered as he smiled, relieved to of pass one of the hurdles. Again, stillness filled the room as neither one of them spoke. 

"You being human...." Buffy broke the silence, resolved to know his decision. "What are you deciding?"

"I don't know." Angel's voice was subdued, a trace of hopelessness in his response. "I wish..." He paused, the dim brooding in his eyes quickly brightening into shining optimism. "Would...you be able to help me research for the spell?"

"Me?" The hope in his voice was painful. Buffy went back to staring at her nails. She wasn't very fond of the idea. "I can't do it all myself."

The silence that followed emphasized Buffy's subtle, but distinct point. Angel's expression fell, regret seeping its way into his broad features. "Then you'd need help from Giles."

"Yeah." Buffy pinned him with a meaningful stare. "And you know how thorough he is when researching for something big. Needs to know all the details, anything he can fix his mind on." Buffy's own mind was still on the aspect of how her life would be if Angel were human. She wasn't ecstatic about the possibility, but she wasn't sulking about it, either. She wished her heart would rule in one direction and stay on the trail. It would be so much more simpler to decide her next course of action, helping or not. 

_Lying beside him...unable to do in a world other than my own..._ Buffy's thought from nights before drifted back into her mind. Did he have that in mind when he was offered the chance at humanity? It couldn't be. Humanity over vampire because of her? Waves of guilt churned through Buffy. She didn't want him to change because of her. 

Angel saw her hesitation and he took her hand and gently squeezed it. "What is it?"

Buffy shut her eyes. "What's your dream, Angel? What do you want from this?"

He paused, but only momentarily. "I want to be with you."

She was right. "Change it."

"What?"

Opening her eyes, she stared down at the carpet sadly. "Don't make me the reason." 

"For being human?" Angel slowly said.

"Yes."

"So you don't care for the idea." 

Pressing the palm of his hand against her chest, Buffy let him feel her pulsing heart. It was beating oddly and she half-hoped he could reveal her truth. Alliviate some of her guilt. "You tell me."

Angel tipped his head slightly in wonderment as his focused settled on her spread fingers which were on top of his. He appeared self-conscious after a short while, with Buffy's eyes glued expectantly on him, her attention on his awaited reply. There appeared to be something else, something more pointed and personal, but he didn't voice it. He hastily took his hand away, unnerved. "I don't know." 

Buffy's mouth opened and shut. "I can't decide," she said finally, avoiding her actual reason. "I'd like it if you were human-"

"But you don't love it."

"No- It's just that...I love the way you are now, too. I mean, that's how I started caring about you. I didn't care then than you were a vampire." Trying to make sense of her thoughts, Buffy took in a breath. "Do you want to become a human? Truly?"

Longing filled wistfully in Angel's dark eyes, but there was also a tinge of uneasiness that mingled with it. A small, but dark fear that overruled any of his desire to become human. Something that seemed to frighten him enough to back down from the given opportunity. "I honestly don't know. I want to. I want it so badly, it hurts me to say a definite no. But I'm afraid, too. It's a tough choice."

"I know. I mean, I'd love to see you...in the sunlight...during day...but-" 

"What?" he asked softly.

"A part of me wants to hold on to what we have now. My life would change a lot if you were mortal. You'd be different. I would be too. And...I don't know if we would still love each other if that happened." She held up to her hand to stop any protests. "I know. It's sounds weird. It sounds selfish. I know what you're going to say. 'No, I'll never stop loving you,' but it's not the amount of love that I mean. You probably don't understand it, but if you really want to become a human...." Buffy's gaze darted away from his own. "Then I can't hold you back."

"Oh Buffy." Angel enveloped her in his arms, and she could feel his rising bewilderment in his tightening body. 

For some reason, Buffy wanted to just cry, but something inside held her firm, determined. She was also very scared. For something she wasn't sure she could handle, but she simply could not bear to crush a dream of her lover. 

"What do you mean? Please tell me." Angel detached himself enough for Buffy to breathe. He must of guessed how tightly he was holding her, for he would of never released her if she continued to remain wordless.

"What do you mean?"

"About the "amount of love" part if I become human." 

"Oh." Buffy eased herself out of his embrace. She didn't feel like explaining her speculation, but she knew full well that he wouldn't let up. Sighing, she said evasively, "It's just...if you become mortal, you can love anyone you want. Nothing's going to hold you back. You won't always have to come to me for help or for advice. You'd be human, therefore, you wouldn't have the secret that you're a vampire." She switched tracks, not allowing him any time to reply. It was her subtle way of indicating the topic was finished. "If you truly want to become a human, then you'll have to get over your fear of seeing Giles and the others because you're going to be the one telling them all about it."

That's when it came. The uneasy look in Angel's eyes. The twitch of his mouth, the unconscious small frown forming in his eyebrows. A very short internal war waged across his face, and he seemed to come to a final decision. "I'll do it." 

"You'll what?" Buffy wasn't sure if she was disappointed.

"I said I'll do it." 

"So you'll come with me after patrol tomorrow, then. That's the deal?"

Angel confirmed it with a nod. "Tomorrow. You can stop by the mansion after patrol." 

"Angel-" She bit her lower lip as she cut herself off. She couldn't bear telling him the whole truth.

He looked at her, curious. 

"You should go," she said instead. "Be sure of your decision, okay?"

Angel's gaze didn't waver. "I will."

Buffy still didn't know how she felt about the whole scenario, but she'd think it out later. She was on edge even more than what she usually was, so much more, that not only was she expressed concern from Giles, but practically the whole gang. And she kept repeating it over and over, she was stressed out from schoolwork and that she was tired from patrolling the night before and that she was going to be fine, fine, fine after a good night's sleep. Buffy only wished that was all she needed to relax. She knew the only thing that would lower her unusually high stress level was to get the whole Angel reintroduction over with. 

After the day's patrol, Buffy went to go fetch Angel and wondered if he was as anxious about revealing himself as she was.

*****

Angel moaned in exasperation as he paced in front of the fireplace, waiting for Buffy's arrival. He was dreading it. He couldn't put off the inevitable any longer. Taking a break from his nervous habit, he stared into the dancing flames, hoping it would calm him. It didn't have the desired effect it usually had. They seemed to prance and taunt, their words of _it's time Angel, it's come down to this, you won't make it _glaring into his face. 

_I can't do this, _Angel thought in a rush, burying his face in his hands. _I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Maybe Buffy could just tell them. But that would be so unfair-_

_"_Angel."

Startled, he spun around, the panic on his face slowly dissolving to relief when he caught sight of Buffy standing in the doorway. "Hi. I didn't hear you." Angel felt the need to explain the reason for his anxiety. Or was it a whimsically clever way for an excuse to float in to cover up the truth of how helpless he really felt? 

Buffy seemed to have chosen the second as she enveloped him in a consoling hug when he reached her, quietly saying, "I feel nervous too, but it'll be fine."

Angel nodded, distracted. _Having Buffy by my side, it'll be fine_, he reassured himself as both of them headed to the library, where the others would be waiting, completely unsuspecting. 

*****

Both of them worked out a small plan. Buffy would pass through the doors first, slowly let the others in on the bomb, and most likely, since they wouldn't expect him, she would gesture him in, fully detonating the bomb. And that would be truly the test whether Angel's earlier prediction would come alive. Buffy had lightly kissed him before stepping into the library, almost like a prepared goodbye in case anything actually happened.

Angel listened carefully to Buffy's words as she spoke. 

"Hey, Buff, how's it going? The usual fun-fest with vampires tonight?" Xander's voice was muffled through the door.

"Yeah. Big fun. The stabbing and the dusting...nothing like it." Buffy's answer rang out loud and clear. And nerve-wracked.

"Are you all right, Buffy? You seem a bit...jittery tonight." Giles' inquiring voice sent a rage of remorse flooding through Angel's blood. He bit his lip.

"Not just tonight, but for the past couple weeks," Giles continued. "Is there anything you'd like to tell us?"

A pause. "Well, actually...I've got something to show you guys."

Another pause. This time longer. Willow broke it. "So...what's the thing? Not a big hairy demon, I hope."

"But if it's some extraordinarily cute puppy that just won't stop following you around, bring 'er in." Xander interjected.

"Um, nice guesses, but uh, not quite. It's neither. I mean, it's cute....to me-" 

Angel smiled. 

Buffy continued, "And um....well, forget the cute thing and let's say it's not a dog or a hairy demon, like I said before."

"And what is it? You're kind of leaving us hanging, here." Oz said.

"Oh God, don't tell us it's some zit or something. 'Cause if it is, I'm not interested!" Cordelia's ego-driven personality spoke aloud.

"No, totally not a zit. Not like I'd like to be flaunting something like that anyway." Buffy sounded a bit appalled. "But with what I have to show you, all of you have to promise not to go bezerk on me or the surprise until some explanations are done, okay?"

Silence. Angel assumed they were giving each other curious looks.

"Please do show, Buffy." Giles consented. 

"You guys promise?" She was firm.

"Yes." Buffy's friends answered obediently.

Angel's palms were damp, his hands shaking. His temperature was incredibly warm. 

"Okay, then." A short delay, most likely for her own mental preparation, then, directed at the door, Buffy called out, "Come on in."

Swallowing, Angel pushed open the door, even though everything in his mind screamed at him to run.

And he saw the faces shift. Everyone backing away. No words. It was like a scene taken straight from his vision. Only this time, it was reality. 

Giles dove into his office. 

"Giles, you promised!" Buffy cried out, leaping in front of Angel. 

The librarian came out of the office, crossbow in hand. Upon seeing Buffy defending Ms. Calendar's killer, he slowly lowered the weapon. 

"Gee, not a dog or a demon!" Xander loudly remarked, glaring at Angel. "So what is he, a fish?"

"Guys, he's on our side. You have to believe me!" Buffy pleaded.

Angel unsteadily stepped up behind Buffy at the same time her left hand moved back, most likely resisting the urge to grab him and bolt.

"She's right. She's not lying." Oz, in his own quiet manner, confirmed Buffy's statement.

"How can you be so gullible, Oz? You're talking about a psycho killer!" Cordelia snapped, fear already rising in her tone.

"Look at the way she's like. She's defending him, like she always had before he turned to the bad side." Oz indicated his observation with a quick jerk of his head.

"Yeah, and he could be acting!" Xander threw back.

"Oz is right! I wouldn't be defending Angel if he were still Angelus!" Buffy took in a deep breath. "I would be asking for your help to kill him right this exact moment if he were evil. But since I'm not, it goes to show he's back on our side."

Giles still had the crossbow in his hand, and both Angel and Buffy were eyeing it with a twitch. He finally set it down. He didn't look at Angel. "How long have you been back on Earth?" 

Angel turned his gaze upward from the floor, to the Watcher. Guiltily, he answered, "A month. Maybe more."

"A month. And why didn't you tell us at the very beginning?" Giles directed his question to his Slayer.

Buffy's eyes were drawn. "I didn't know how you would react. With everything that happened. Ms. Calender, Willow- Everything." 

"Why did you come back?" Willow asked. There was no malice in her tone, just a small inkling of caution. 

Angel thought she was handling the situation well. Since she was Buffy's closest friend, she trusted Buffy enough when it came to her judgement. "I don't know."

"So you're absolutely sure Dead Boy is back on our side?" Xander said to Buffy, raising an eyebrow at the tall vampire.

As Buffy nodded, Angel shot Xander with a disdainful look that he was fairly accustomed to. Upon seeing Angel's contempt, Xander gave an affirming nod. "It's him. Dead Boy always loves my jokes."

Everyone ignored his comment. "So is that it? No more surprises?" Cordelia inquired slowly. 

"Yes. Hopefully. That's it." Buffy relaxed. Then it rushed to her. The real reason why she made this night the night she showed him to the others. She pressed a hand against her forehead. "No wait, there is another thing." She sat on the research table and waved an arm toward Angel. "Take it away."

Angel cleared his throat nervously and told them about the offer of humanity, including the details about having to stay with Celeste if he wanted the humanity spell.

"Why are you telling us this?" Giles said.

"I don't want to be a human if I'm tied down to Celeste. She's forcing me to if I take up the offer. I was hoping some research could be done to find the spell. Any clues, anything about it."

The group was sileht upon hearing his request, but after a few begrudging looks and a whine from Xander, they eventually agreed to look up any information having to do with humanity spells. After everything was confirmed, Buffy announced, "Well, I'm gonna jet. Is that okay, Giles?"

"Are you going with Angel?" Giles' eyes still held a wariness that Buffy wouldn't of caught if she hadn't been watching him so closely. 

"Yes."

"Be careful."

Buffy's friends said their good-byes to her, barely giving Angel much more than a look before the two of them departed. 

"That went pretty well, don't 'cha think?" Buffy asked Angel as they headed to the mansion.

Angel nodded. They walked for awhile without any words before he said, "So....are you all right?"

Buffy shrugged indifferently. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Everything. Me possibly being human, the whole thing just now with the gang."

"I'm getting better. I'm not such a stress case anymore." 

At the mansion, Angel entered, but Buffy lingered at the doors. 

"Aren't you coming inside?" he asked.

"Going home. Need to get some sleep. School tomorrow." Buffy hastily replied. 

She quickly turned to leave, almost in desperation, perhaps fear, but Angel grasped her arm. "Wait."

Shaking her arm free, Buffy said insistently, "I need to go." 

"I want to thank you for today."

Buffy stopped. "It wasn't that big of a deal." 

"You lie." Angel smiled teasingly, somewhat sadly.

Despite herself, she smiled back. "I'll see you soon." 

Angel watched after her vacating figure with plaintive eyes.


	5. Final Decision

Eternal Penance - Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"What?" 

"I'm sorry, Angel, but we couldn't find anything." 

Angel had returned to the library a few days later to check up on the research being done to find a humanity spell. It had been driving him insane every day that passed. Not only was he holding on to a dangling speck of hope, Celeste continued to visit him. She was adamant about receiving an answer, and he only replied back that he needed more time to think about it. In reality, he had already come to a decision, but he needed the others to confirm what his mind was already set on. 

"You can't." Angel's voice was neutral. Buffy's friends were there to witness his reaction, and they kept quiet. 

"We've looked through everything." Oz piped in. 

"Ooh, unless you want to become a spunky dancing shrimp. I found a spell for that baby." Xander's discovery was flourished with pride. 

"I'm sorry, Angel. I know you wanted to." Buffy was sympathetic as she ran a gentle hand down his arm. 

Angel drew away, inevitably breaking Buffy's gesture of comfort. He wasn't in the mood for pity. "Thank you for trying." He nodded to the library doors. " I should be going."

And with that, he walked out. 

  
  
**** 

"Hey." 

Buffy didn't glance back from her view of Sunnydale from the cliff. She was at the mansion the next day. Nevertheless, she was surprised. It was still early in the evening, hours after school had ended for the day. The sun had barely set an hour before and Angel made an appearance outdoors, risking his physical existance. A trace of warmness from the sunlight lingered in the air, but it wouldn't harm him. 

It had been a routine for the past few weeks ever since she had discovered him back on Earth. After school, she'd slip out of her house for a few hours, and most of the time, she'd just gaze out over the city of Sunnydale, at that very spot behind the mansion, thinking of anything and everything. And many times, she would leave with plenty of time to spare before Angel had the chance to awaken and wander outside for his daily dosage of danger against vampires, demons, and other unknown ghouls. Before he had the opportunity to find her and pound ageless questions into her. 

For a brief slit in time, she knew, or at least had a small fraction of experience, of how Angel felt during his times of constant brooding. It was very saddening. And excrutiatingly lonely. She couldn't figure out why he'd choose to do such a thing. Hole up inside the mansion during all hours of the day and not meet with someone to talk about a day's events. Of course, the idea of Angel having a busy day of school and friends and a double life of slaying seemed silly as soon as the thought entered Buffy's head. 

But she was caught tonight. She had entirely lost track of time and didn't realize it until she had heard Angel. 

"You're up early." She remained calm, even though a part of her wondered why she should be so antsy. 

Angel came up beside her, following her gaze out to the city. "Couldn't wait."

"For me?" Buffy felt a stab of guilt. "You shouldn't. You shouldn't come out so early. The sun-"

"Is still in the air, I know. But it's evening, the sun's rays are safely down." His voice held a tinge of sarcasm. "Are you making up my bedtime schedule, now?"

Turning to face him, Buffy felt her face flush as she glared. "I'm not. I'm just worried. It's not safe to come out so soon after sundown. You've never done that before."

"How would you know that?" 

"Don't you believe it yourself?" Buffy threw back, her voice rising in anger.

A speck of hardness set in Angel's tone at her outburst. "Maybe it wasn't the wisest decision in the world, but I know what I'm doing. I've had enough experience. Why are you so mad at me?" His voice then softened in concern. His usual expression of compassion etched on to his face. "You're not yourself."

Buffy faced away from him, unwilling to stare into his dark eyes. A moment of strained calm passed. She answered softly, "I don't want you to put yourself out for me."

He didn't say anything and she knew it was his silent cue to explain. "It's all the time. You always risk your life for me. You do whatever it takes to get to me sometimes, and it bothers me."

Angel came around her, gripping her arms tightly. Lately, it seemed to be the method that forced her to look at him. "I'm sorry it bothers you. But I do things for you because I _want _to. And sometimes, I miss you so badly, of course I'd do anything to get to you." He brought his face closer. "It's _my_ choice. And if I die because of whatever I choose to do, it's still my choice."

"That's exactly what I mean!" Buffy wrenched herself away from his grasp. "I don't want you killing yourself because of _me._ It'd be so horrible if you made a decision that would cost your life and it had to be made because of me."

A long, suffering look entered Angel's eyes as he stared at her in astonishment. "Why would it be such a problem if I died because of you?"

"Because I'm a Slayer!" Buffy was near tears. "I _have_ to kill vampires. You _are_ one! You're supposed to be dead! You're not suppose to be even a glimpse of a memory, but you are...But I can't kill you because you're different. And I know that I'll have to kill you again one of these days-"

"You don't know that-"

"You don't either. But what if it happens again, Angel? What if you change again? What if that _thing_ happens to make you?"

"It won't. We've learned from that mistake." He reached for her in condolence.

Buffy jumped back, her hands up. "No. I don't know. It's easier said than done, Angel. It's hard to resist. If I were on the ground with my throat cut, what would you do? Would you leave me to die that way a Slayer is rightously suppose to? Or would you draw me of my blood because it would the sweetest to you?"

Angel 's face appeared as if he had been slapped. He was definitely not prepared for such a provoking topic. "I wouldn't leave you, but I wouldn't take your blood-"

"Answer the question, Angel. Would you drain me? Think about it. The blood is so close to you, that hunger that passes through you at the smell of it. Such a feeling of power if you could have just a small taste. And shutting your eyes wouldn't help much either, because whichever way you decide, you'll still see my blood when you open them." Buffy's lascivious words was spoken with a precarious edge.

Angel looked incredibly uncomfortable, and for one instant, Buffy felt almost sorry to bring up such a tense subject. But it was too late to take her words back, and now that she forced the question out into the open, she was curious to hear what he would answer. Angel turned away, most likely to escape her gaze and gain time to think, even if it were for only a few seconds. "I...I don't know."

"That's what I mean!" Buffy was the one now seizing his arms to force his eyes on her own. "This yearning that makes it so hard to decide, sometimes, you think it's better off if you were dead-" Buffy stopped at her choice of words and shook her head. "Uh- me being dead - because it's so hard whether to make a right decision or to get what you want."

Then Angel did something that was completely unexpected. He dropped onto his knees, staring into her face with the exact same dazed and pained look right before Buffy had thrust the sword through him. And just like before, the thin film of tears pooled in his dark eyes, and their expression told her that she had hit one of the most sensitive subjects that Angel was forced to talk through. She knew that she had sunk him into the sea of confusion even more, with her prodding and emphatic words. Now, the way he revealed his vulnerability with sorrow and a shaken appearance, a mist sprung across her eyes. 

"It's hard, I realize that. But...I can't tell you. Not now." His words were quiet.

That clinched it for Buffy. "I have to go." Her voice had turned hoarse with emotion. If she burst into waterworks right now, it would be set that Angel definitely played with her emotions far too much. She brushed his cheek with her fingerstips, instantly repentant to bring him down so low. "I'm sorry I opened up a wound, but I had to know." She paused, adding with a sad smile, "Actually, I still don't know. But your answer...I can wait for it. I always do." 

Angel had clutched her palm when she came in contact with his face, as if savoring her caress one last time before heading to his deathbed. He slowly released it to her veiled request to let her leave. He shakily rose, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. "You have to go." It was a statement, but Buffy listened closer and she caught the underlying note of desperation to have her stay.

She made her choice clear as she said with conviction, "I need to." 

As though some force nailed her feet to the spot, she didn't turn away right at that point. In her split moment of hesitation, she caught the quiver of Angel's right hand as if he was considering lifting it and touching her face. She wouldn't have mind, but she kept her expression void of any elated emotion. 

When it was clear he wasn't going to reach for her, Buffy left. 

*** 

"I don't want it." 

"What?" 

"You've hounded me to give you an answer, and I just gave you one. I don't want to go through with the spell." 

Angel had went back to the mansion after his check-up at the library. More determined than ever to get that pesky Celeste off his back -possibly literally- he finally told her what his desire was. 

"I thought you wanted to become pure human, my Angel. Wasn't it what you wanted since you turned into a vampire?" Celeste was whining much like a child would over a denied toy. 

Clenching his fists with the imagery of her neck between them, Angel growled in exasperation. "I told you to stop calling me that." 

"Call you what?" The teenage girl said innocently. 

"Stop playing games. You know what I mean. I'm not yours, nor will I ever be. I'm with someone else, so don't bother trying to win me over. And I'm not a rag doll that you can love and touch and squeeze." As his words sunk in more deeply in Angel, he inwardly cringed, trying not to visualize how it would be if Celeste did those things. 

"You can't back down from this offer!" Celeste nearly screamed at him. Her eyes were livid, her mouth set into a determined line. 

Angel was incredulous. First off, she kept talking like none of his previous words were even uttered. And secondly, when was it written in stone that he _couldn't_ back out? This witch was crazy, and it was definitely time to be rid of her. "Well I am. I'm sorry you won't be able to become human because of me, but it's what I want." 

"You mean you want to stay this useless, mishappen way-of-a-vampire?" 

Angel frowned deeply, the passing thought that Celeste's reply sounded similar to an answer a certain Cordelia Chase would say. "I told you my decision, so leave me alone. I don't want to be seeing you anymore." 

Celeste smiled, a cat-like appraisal to it. "Oh, you won't be seeing me anymore because you'll be _dead_." Celeste lunged at him with a stake which Angel was not prepared for. He was so caught off guard, she managed to cut a deep slash across his left arm by the time he jumped away. 

"You shouldn't of done that." Angel's face contorted to vampire form as his forehead creased, the skin above his eyes jutted outwards and his eyes blazed a feral yellow. He winced from a pulse of fire from the cut. He was amazed. He never knew how much a stake could hurt other than through the heart. Of course, that was something he didn't plan on finding out. 

Celeste swung the stake again, and with lightening-quck reflexes, Angel turned away from it, kicking her to the ground. She went down, but didn't stay down as long as he hoped. She sprung back up with the exact agility of....himself. 

_Could it be possible?_ Angel didn't have time to dwell on his thought as Celeste charged at him again. He easily crouched low and dodged to the side, grabbing ahold of her shoulders from behind and heaved her over the back of the couch. He felt a self satisfaction pass through him. 

She quickly rolled to her feet and kicked low, tripping Angel. He nearly escaped the pointy end of the stake as it was thrust down on his chest. He staggered to his feet, only to feel them leave the ground as he was the one being thrown across the room. Bone met concrete and his entire body jolted with the impact of his landing. He moaned, feeling an unexpected wave of weakness as he rose. All of his strength wasn't back yet, and he cursed silently. 

Celeste was coming at him again, and with a wave of energy he didn't know where he summoned from, threw a punch in her face. Angel felt her nose crumble and saw bright red blood as a result. For a blind second, he felt sorry he had to ruin her face. It was quite pretty. 

_Hmm, a nice face or my life? Which would I go for more? _The logical part of Angel's brain just _had _to insert its two cents in at that exact second. 

Celeste aimed a kick at his head, which enabled Angel to duck under her leg and knock the piece of sharpened wood out of her hand. She cried out as her weapon skidded across the floor, completely out of her reach. By the time the comprehension of not reaching her stake struck her brain, Angel had already retrieved it. 

"Damn it!" Celeste was now the one on defense. 

Leaping to her side Angel punched her in the face, then backfisted her right after, stunning her. But she was strong, and she returned his attacks with the same power and agility. Punch after kick, Angel evaded with rapid-fire success, getting in a few well-timed attacks of his own.

She kicked him in the chest, allowing her to have a recovery period for a few seconds. The force of her kick was more than Angel gauged, and he hit the ground for the umpteenth time, feeling the back of his head whack against the hard floor. He couldn't give her the time to recover, and getting up seemed to take up too much time with the way his head was suddenly spinning. He pushed his luck and did the only thing he could think of. Rolling off of the rug they were both fighting on, Angel rose as far as his knees before he grabbed the edge of it and yanked with as much energy as he could muster. She hit down hard, and Angel prayed his muscles continued to work. As he tried to push his body up fully, he knew in the back of his mind that his body simply would not respond. The engine inside him had just run out of gas. 

He had one desperate shot left. Celeste jumped to her feet, the look of rage distorting her pale face. Concentrating on his target, Angel tried to push the titanic of a headache aside as he flung the stake the short distance between them. It hit home and Celeste let out an enraged cry of alarm. Angel was more than surprised when, instead of collapsing on the floor like he had anticipated, she burst into dust. He let his tense body relax, his face shifting back to normal as he moaned in pain, his whole body now sinking to the floor. 

"Angel!" 

Angel didn't have the reserves to lift his head to the direction of the voice. But he knew who it was. He moaned again as he was turned over, but he kept his eyes closed. 

"What happened? Did a war just happen?" Buffy stroked the side of his face, trying to keep her voice calm, but Angel knew the truth. 

"Tired. No war." He answered her question in a hushed tone. "Well, maybe for me. For you, it'd be your average everyday battle. That girl....she's dust." 

"'Dust?' I thought you said she was a witch." 

Angel slowly opened his eyes, trying hard to focus on Buffy's face, trying hard to talk when he really felt like passing out for few minutes to escape from his fatigue and weakness. Wanted to sleep and sleep and wake up, only to be stronger than ever so he could help Buffy's waging war against evil. "Vampire. Big lie, I guess." He flinched when her hand brushed on the cut on his left arm. 

She saw his pain and asked what had happened to get such a cut. 

"Stakes can hurt in more ways than one." Angel succeeded in making a joke, but when he tried to accompany it with a smile, he found he couldn't. It just wasn't something to grin over. "I'm so tired. I feel like-" 

"Sleeping and sleeping, I know. I've had those days. Come on, let's get the little vampire to beddy-bye." Buffy laughed. 

After much effort, Angel found himself lying in his bed, although he wasn't sure how he had gotten there. Maybe he had flown. The wound on his arm was tended, and he felt better. 

A small lapse of quiet passed before Buffy cleared her throat. "Well, I just got out of school, so it's still daytime. Afternoon. So afternoon for me equals bedtime for you. So I'll leave you be and come back later." 

She started to rise from the edge of the bed, but Angel weakly grasped her arm. "Can you stay for awhile? I'd like it if you did." 

Buffy gave him a small smile as she sat back down. "So do I." 

A clinging fog was clouding Angel's mind, and he could feel sleep decending upon him and his eyelids drooped as proof. He desperately wanted to tell Buffy the reason why he had stayed a vampire instead of becoming human, like she assumed. "Buffy, I made the decision to stay the way I am now-" 

"I know." 

Angel struggled to keep his eyes open. "How?" 

"I'm with you now, aren't I?" 

"The real reason." 

"What is it?" 

"Being human would've been the best thing in the world for me. But you were right earlier on. I wouldn't fit into your regular life. And I don't think I'd be as strong if I turned human." 

"Strong..." 

"We have so many difference between us. It kills us, but we both grow from those differences. No matter what happens. I was foolish to jump into my hope. I'll never be human. I should've known that. Vampires just can't change from one to another."

Buffy quickly nodded, blinking back the burning of imminent tears, tucking him in as a mother would to a child. "Sleep." 

But Angel didn't. He attempted to sit up, but with his head whirling and Buffy's insisting and his faltering eyelids, he lay back down. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't feel a speck of your strength in me. It was different before. You helped me become strong. And now...I have to start all over again. I'm such a burden to you. " He glanced away, believing his next words. "I understand if you don't feel like seeing me anymore. I take up a big part of your life. I don't want you to feel obligated to have to visit me."

Tears sprung across Buffy's eyes. "Go to sleep. We'll talk later."

"Promise?" Angel's eyes locked on to her face, feeling like a small child, longing for reassurance.

She leaned down and dropped a light kiss on his forehead. "I promise."

Angel finally relented, wishing to do more before he closed his eyes. Wanted to make her feel better, wanted to stop her from being so sad. But he had to let it go as he was slowly swallowed up by darkness and fell in a world of dreams and unknown winding paths. Tonight, perhaps a prophetic dream, or a blissful illusionary one, whichever his subconscious settled on. 

And as he fell in deeper into the blackness, he clung to Buffy's hand as if it were possible he could take her along.

***

A soft gaze on his face, Buffy contemplated his words. _I don't want to make you feel bad, Angel. Maybe I shouldn't be with you for awhile. Let you become strong on your own. And when you are strong enough, it won't feel so bad. _The thought stayed with her, but it did little to comfort. She wouldn't be able to abandon him altogether, but yet couldn't get as caught up in her passion like before or else hell would rear its ugly head once more. Something she was not willing to go through again.

Although she was unable to lie next to Angel the way she reflected in her dreams, she now watched him with a closeness that would not mean the end of the world. 


End file.
